But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -James 1:6
Song for this post:
New Wine by Hillsong Worship
A month has passed since I last sat down to write any post on this blog. My post from days before the start of the new year was bright, encouraged and well…hopeful. I felt passionate and inspired about writing, what I felt God was communicating to me, and so I started a few different drafts of feelings I wanted to dig deeper into in 2021. And then I stopped writing. I found excuses to push off posting for another day. The truth is, I am an impulsive person. I’ll tell you something about being impulsive – it is a two-sided coin. I usually have the ability to jump right into a task, a friendship, an opportunity, but sometimes my eagerness to get involved or start up something causes me to rush through and not be as intentional, as meaningful, as I should. With this blog, a somewhat similar thing has occurred.
This blog was for me. Me and God. As I discovered who I was in my relationship with Him, renewed in spirit and healing through some of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, I would journal and then type it up to share anonymously with the random few who came across it. All along I felt a whisper, a gentle tug, that one day I would have to be incredibly vulnerable and make this blog public. Unashamedly attach it to my name and share it with those who interact with me through social media. Doing that was scary, but felt right. However, after going public, making Instagram and Facebook pages, and attempting to continue creating posts as the unafraid, transparent Hannah I had been, I came to the realization that I had begun unconsciously filtering myself. Now that I knew people that really know me, (may…*gasp* not agree with everything I have to say and share), and would be dissecting my most vulnerable inner thoughts, I reverted back to appearing pretty put-together and making my posts more surface level for everyone else, making them about “us” or “we”, not “I” and “me”.
This blog is about me. Things I feel, things God shares with me, and ways I process life. And that’s what I’m making it about again.
I can’t very well pour out if I slam the lid down on the jar to keep a mess at bay.
So that’s my first point. Moving on, I’ve been spotty about doing my devotionals. It isn’t always a regular, nightly deal, sometimes I forget, sometimes I push it off, but today I started a 7-day plan with YouVersion. 7 days seemed good to me, not a super long time commitment, and it is about 7 attitudes to enjoy life, which is always needed. I finished my devotional time and read the verse right after one in tonight’s session, James 1:6. Instantly I felt gobsmacked. Slapped in the face. That’s genuinely the only way to describe it.
Here’s some honest, current truths about me:
-I have been avoiding going to church.
-I have so much on my plate and consistently get stressed, yet rarely give any of it over to God, instead I hoard it and rely only on myself to maintain control and get everything done.
-I have told the Lord “no, I’ll spend time with you when I feel like it, not right now.”
I didn’t start this blog to promote myself as the “ideal Christian” or someone who is always perfectly sold out to Jesus. I wanted this blog to be an extension of my very real, human, and sometimes faulty (on my end of course) relationship with God.
I’ve been burned by churches. I have church hurt and people hurt. Some of that I have held onto and nurtured until it made me not want to walk into another church and try again. Thankfully I found ways to connect with God on my own and through my small group, but that doesn’t replace or fulfill the community and instruction I should be getting through church. Last week, I virtually watched a sermon and I forced myself to focus on the message and what I felt connection-wise, not to judge it through the biased lenses of my past. And something in me cracked open, something said “This is good. This is what I need. I will attend this.” So I am going physically this Sunday. It’s scary, but brave.
I have been doubting, doubting, doubting, doubting, and doubting some more my current place in life. This precipice of graduating and attempting to get a job to jumpstart my career path and future so that I can “have the life I truly want and deserve.” God shut some doors, didn’t give me some of the clear and positive answers I wanted, and so I have turned back into myself, focusing on the day-to-day tasks with class and work and commitments that I can accomplish, but not trying to spend time on the bigger things, and definitely not spending much time asking God to help me understand His will and trust His promises.
And I have allowed meaningless distractions like the latest Netflix show or shopping spree carve portions of my time, my days, away, until I’ve chipped at my time and energy so much that I glance at my Bible and look away. I’ve let my humanity influence my focus, my self-proclaimed burdens become so heavy that I willingly turn away from the very peace I seek. Isn’t that dumb? But it is by definition human.
All of this is to say, I have felt drained. I have felt like my well of giving, energy, intentionality, had completely dried up. But I made myself sit down and focus on some of the scary job and career things. I motivated myself and accomplished some of those small steps. And then I took time for myself, to decompress. And then finally, I intentionally sat down and didn’t time, didn’t rush through, my time with the Lord spent in devotionals and His word. Which then stirred a desire in me to write, to post something on the blog. I haven’t wanted to do that in over a month, but tonight it felt impossible not to. As if I would lie awake thinking about how I chose not to write when I felt the Lord press my heart.
I’m taking it one day at a time. Giving myself grace, which some days feels practically impossible, and realizing that very rarely (probably never) will I get every single thing done on my to-do list. But if I ask God to recognize my burdens, which He already has before I even mention them, and offer them up to Him so that the weight can be shared, peace will be felt. In small moments, in victory after accomplishing a task, He will make me whatever He wants me to be. He is the One who has given me everything and anything I have, am, or will ever be. So I feel like it makes just a bit of sense that He deserves, and demands to be included. To be trusted. To be in relation with me. I’m going to mess up, but when I do, I will share it with you. And I will realign my focus and perspective, just as I am now. And I will keep doing this, over and over, turning to God intentionally, bravely and consistently even when I don’t feel like it, and it will become an unconscious effort. The most necessary part of my routine.
