It’s almost been two years since I last used my voice through this platform. I’ve logged in a few times, looked through old posts, but convinced myself that I “don’t have the time or energy for that” or “I’m processing things, I don’t need an outlet.” This could not be farther from the truth. I make time to be lazy, laying around watching tv or a movie – I can sit down to pour out my words and feelings. And over the last two years, there’s been quite a few. I wish I could say that I’ve made only positive choices and kept God at the forefront of my decisions, but that would also be untrue.
I fell into a common trap – that the temporary things of this world, that flighty feeling of value, could fulfill me. I sought validation and acceptance from men, turned to alcohol in my loneliest moments, and pushed feelings down instead of processing them.
I wasn’t at my lowest, not even close, for I received an incredible job opportunity, became closer to friends and made all sorts of memories. Plus, the last two years involved my mom’s healing and miraculous time given to us after her cancer. But I backed off and away from God. Things felt pretty good, like I had it handled and together (other than wanting to find a boyfriend, a partner and wanting to live alone). I decided that I could do this by myself, wanting God to be available if and when I needed Him only.
Let me clue you in on something – this attitude never, EVER works in your favor. Imagine believing that you are more capable than the Creator, able to handle whatever comes your way better than the all-knowing, ever-present God. It sounds stupid, frankly, when stated this way, but I have had this mindset more times than I can count. Every single time without fail I end up broken and crying out to God, for God to take the lead, where I should have placed Him from the start.
Long story short, I entered a relationship that I knew, knew in my bones, did not fit God’s will and desire for my life. We were unequally yoked, deeply so, and other giant warning signs were present from the beginning, but I internalized –
“I’ll handle it”, “it’ll work out” ,”I’ll figure that out when the time comes.”
I invested myself, my time, my heart in this person for them to return the most lacking affection and intentionality. But I stayed. I accepted. I settled. I watered myself down to fit the vision I felt he wanted from me. I compromised my expectations and accepted what little was offered. I gave my heart to this person, without putting God in the relationship at all & I got broken. Absolutely obliterated. I had never experienced heartbreak, like the movies and songs display. But it is very real, extremely painful. What hurt the most was the realization of what I had allowed myself to accept and even long for. How dimly this compared to my vision for a partner.
God quieted my spirit. Comforted my heart. And I began to heal. Once the realization set in that I had invested myself in someone that was never for me, the ability to move on came naturally and quickly. Unfortunately before I was healed, I continued to seek comfort, to convince myself I was desirable and wanted by pointless, disconnected men.
But God.
God allowed me to continue these actions. To come to the end of myself and look up and recognize how unfulfilled and unhappy I felt.
He renewed my spirit. And redeemed my heart. I began removing myself from environments I knew brought out unhealthy tendencies, began prioritizing time with Him in my day, my prayer life, in the Word. And then once the inward talk and idea of self-worth and value, knowing I’d never again allow myself to be treated so carelessly and passively truly clicked into place – He brought someone into my life.
Unexpectedly, being genuine and transparent with my faith – I began and have continued to build with someone. The recognition of how intentionally I am treated now, how in step with foundational values, and the intuitive care and affirmation I receive: well, it’s been overwhelming and stopped me in my tracks a few times. By pursuing discernment and asking God to reveal if this is for me, I know that I have covered myself, him, and our relationship in prayer and petition. Now I am happy, fulfilled, and excited for what’s to come, with the mindset that I desperately seek to remain in step and in tune with the Lord’s will and plan for my life, from this relationship to my daily interactions and experiences. They measure to nothing without Him.
